We Think This Pearl Butter Stuff Might be Made By Real Mermaids.
Have you heard of Pearl Butter? It’s a new food product on the market, and we are pretty sure it is made by real mermaids. I mean, just look at the name. We are not investigative reporters, but we know a mermaid mystery when we see one. So…we are on the case! Below, we offer some of our top evidence for why Pearl Butter might (ok, almost definitely) be made by real mermaids. Interested in more fun ideas? Check out our Unicorn Cookbook!
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- The products are called Pearl Butter. One of the ingredients listed is Pteria margaritifera, which is nutrition-speak for pearl powder. Vogue Magazine did a little research into powder made from pearls, which are “30 to 80 percent calcium,” and have been a beauty and health supplement for centuries. Sure. Great. But if you’re going to make food from pearls, you’ve got to have some sort of deep sea connection. And who has those connections? Mermaids!
- The copy on the website describes the product as “adoptogenic superherb butters.” Huh? We googled “adaptogenic herbs” and found they promote “decreased cellular sensitivity to stress.” That’s just a bunch of fancy words for mermaid science.
- The first words on the website are “Eat Pretty.” Who would invent a food designed to make you more alluring? Mermaids! This mystery practically solves itself.
- The “Brain Butter” is made of coconut and algae. Again with the deep sea sourcing!
- The butters come in blue, pink and purple. Obviously they are made by mermaids who know unicorns.
- The “About” page on the website only contains two paragraphs and a poem about pearls, but no hard information. Duh. Mermaids aren’t going to put their personal business all over the internet for just anyone to see. They are going to give you a song about pearls and make you jump right in before you can know anything else. Everyone knows that the first requirement for knowing a mermaid is to believe in her.
- For our final, and perhaps most convincing piece of evidence, we present the Pearl Butter Instagram account. It’s run by Kati, no last name, but totally a mermaid moniker. And, it features a woman shaving glitter scales off of her legs. Is that some sort of adaptive mechanism, like if a mermaid lives on land too long her legs grow glitter instead of hair? We can’t confirm that hypothesis, but they also feature mermaid toast on their Instagram. It’s highly, highly suspicious that Pearl Butter would appear right when mermaid toast is trending, don’t you think? We do.
Ergo, Pearl Butter is made by real mermaids. The dots were so easy to connect that we can’t believe National Geographic hasn’t reported this yet. The only thing we don’t know is how it tastes, but we suspect it tastes like the ocean and eternal youth. It probably also improves your singing ability, and if so, they need to start marketing that because we would really, really like to audition for The Voice.
Have you tried Pearl Butter or mermaid toast? Let us know in the comments!
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